Swimming with Sharks


A few days ago JTT went into a hormone fueled rage so, fearing my life and the lives of my menspawn, we retreated to the community fountain.

You know it’s bad when I’d rather bathe in the piss of strangers than sit on my fucking couch, but my sense of self preservation is strong.

My irritation notched up when we got there and random crotchfruit were shrieking and splashing and flailing about in the piss water. Are they drowning? Is there acid in there? Why the FUCK is there so much damn screaming?!?

At the insistence of Squirrel Master, I cannonballed into the deep pool. Mostly to muffle the “DAD, DAD, DADDADDADDADDDDD? ARE YOU GETTING IN THE WATER? DO YOU WANNA GO OFF THE DIVING BOARD? THE COMSESSION STAND HAS PRETZELS!! WILL YOU GET IN AND THROW ME?” for a hot second but my oxygen expended far too quickly and I had to take a breath.

Conditions on the surface had not improved much, except now my younger son was all up in my grill demanding that I “Throw him.”

Such practices are frowned upon but I thought perhaps I could get banned from the area so I hurled the SM across the water.

The lifeguard totally ignored that shit.

Kill. Me. Now.

Squirrel Master surfaced, elated. “DO IT AGAIN, DAD! DOITAGAIN!!”

I did it approximately six more times and wondered at the lifeguard’s lack of given fucks. Seriously, it says no throwing. Usually I do it until they tell me to stop (I’m a rebel like that) but she was actively not noticing. I was splashing like a maniac.


Which is when my annoyance doubled. An unattended cocksplat showed up and “wanted a turn.”

He was insistent as hell. “Throw me NEXT!” he demanded.

“Where’s your mom?” I asked, looking around. This is not the time to be branded a Perv for touching someone’s random kid.

He pointed towards a bloat of hippos. “I dunno. Maybe over there?”

Which is when this pasty cow broke away from the herd, waddled to the water’s edge and said “DAYMMIT JESPER! LEAVE DAT MAN BE. HE’S PLAYIN’ WITH HIS BOY.”

I glanced up, tried not to look directly at the hairy twat lip that wasn’t quite covered by her elastic and went back to throwing my son directly through the guard’s line of vision. I’m still convinced we have the world’s first blind lifeguard.

Jesper’s mother figure lost interest and disappeared but Jesper did…not.

“THROW ME NEXT,” he begged, lisping heavily through the gap where his front teeth were missing.

Maybe JTT wasn’t so bad after all, I reasoned to myself. Perhaps I could go get some fucking flowers or a card and acknowledge that my very existence IS sometimes a pain in the ass and apologize for accidentally breathing.

Exasperated, I grabbed the random kid and hurled him across the water. While the initial act was one of frustration, I did watch to see him breach. When he did, his face was totally alight and he bellowed “OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!”

My cold, dead heart thawed a bit.

“Can I go again?” he prodded, paddling back over to me. The smile on his little face…ugh. Right in the feels.

So he took another flight across the pool and when he returned from that one we were close enough for him to hang on my arm since the water was over his head.

Which is when Squirrel Master pulled a total Jealous Girlfriend and appeared, treading water in front of the two of us.

“What are you doing?” he wondered aloud, squirrel senses tingling. “That’s…my…DAD,” he announced, somewhat territorially.

“Yeah, he’s the COOLEST! DID YOU SEE HOW FAR HE THROWED ME?” Jesper bubbled while I bit my lip and wondered if some of my Ladytips’ abundant estrogen had rubbed off on me.

“Where is YOUR DAD?” my son pressed.

“I dunno,” Jesper shrugged. “I don’t have one.”

Ohmygod. Seriously. I just want to be old and grumpy and dead inside.

The Squirrel Master considered this. “Well, I’ll share mine for a minute but it’s MY TURN NOW.”

So I pitched a pair of boys across the swimming area for the rest of the afternoon. Jesper’s mom? finally made him leave and we followed soon after.

It wasn’t like, my favorite day ever at the pool. Okay. Yes it was.


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