Suck and Blow


Over the course of my career I have taken many a drunk driving asshole to jail.

One specific offender that I deal with frequently is Hispanic drivers without a license (or insurance). It’s always fun times because my Spanish isn’t great and there are language barriers and what not.

My most recent DUI arrest was an older Hispanic lady with muy picaño of the speeka.

She was more than happy to wear the bracelets and hop in the back of my cruiser but I had to administer the intoxicalizer at intake to get an accurate reading of her BAC. She was tore up from the floor up, but there isn’t enough room to write all that shit on the report. They want an actual number.

Im sure the recorded footage is fucking awesome. Here I have this tiny little Mexican woman cornered in this small assed room. She’s drunker than a ship’s cat and she has no comprehension of what I’m telling her to do.

“No comprende Occifer!” she slurred happily.

The Instructions are fairly straight forward. “Blow in this tube until I tell you to stop.” I explained the exercise then I demonstrated for her.

She nodded. So I set the machine (whereby I have 3 minutes to collect the breath sample) and tell her to blow. She puts the end of the tube in her mouth and gently bites the end.

“No. Don’t bite it. BLOW.” I reminded her, taking a huge breath and blowing it out. “See? BLOW.”

“Sì!” she tittered, placing her tongue over the hole and trying to suck it.

“No. Don’t SUCK IT. You have to BLOW. BLOWWWWWWW” I exhaled exaggeratedly.

This process took awhile. I said “No, don’t suck, bite, tongue, molest or eat it…BLOW IT!” approximately three hundred times. I also demonstrated like I was the fucking wolf trying to get at the damn little pigs.

I finally got her booked, then took a handful of Tylenol to address the headache that resulted from me rupturing a vein in my head whilst blowing. I called JTT to regale the tale.

“So did she finally blow?” my wife wondered.

“Well, yeah, but holy shit it was hard work!”

“The hardest you’ve ever worked for a blow?” she smirked audibly.

Ha. Yes. While on the job, anyway.

But that chick was straight up dirty with a straw.


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