Tested




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Sometimes an idea formulates in my mind like a parasite. It’s always something I can’t quite wrap my head or heart around and translate into words. I try to ignore it, rework it, or force it into a coherent notion that I might box up and throw away or save for later. My unhallowed ruminations are often stubborn and steadfastly refuse a casual dismissal. So they fester and ooze and suck the life out of me until they’re fully fructified and I may void my soul of these thoughts and the Darkness that accompanies them. When I’m finished, I feel embarrassment and discomfort, but also relief.




I have no path, no agenda, no goal. Only a burning desire to rid myself of this plague.

Several weeks ago my daughter and her close friend had an argument.

Normally I cannot find a feckle fuck to give when Girl Drama rears its ugly head.  As a parent, I think it’s important for my crotchfruit to navigate their own relationships.  I might offer advice when asked, but mostly I try to remain impassive.  Usually the issue resolves itself quickly and butthurt dissipates as quickly as it began.

Anyway, the girls were in a group discussing (of all things) gender and sexuality.  When I learned this was the topic I was disgusted, because I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that pre-pubescent teenagers are trying to figure out what in the hell they want to do with their no-no squares.  But it’s a HUGE deal.

I swore I’d never say “back when I was a kid” but seriously?  When I was a kid we didn’t wonder if we wanted to have butt sex or vaginal sex or any sex.  We didn’t consider if we were male or female or transgender.  We liked who we liked and we fought about shit like racial tension and whether coke or pepsi tasted better.  We were so fucking unenlightened.

Now the younger generation doesn’t know what the hell is going on with their genitals.  “I have a penis, but I like boys.  Could I be a girl?  Does this mean I’m gay?  Holy shit, this is a lot to figure out.  ACCEPT ME GODDAMMIT!  I NEED A LABEL!  IMMEDIATELY!”  And no one fucking knows for sure.

Back to the group.  One of the kids was accused of being secretly gay.  The spawn in question quickly denied the allegation and assured his peers that he preferred vaginas.   Then one girl said “Well, how do you KNOW?  You could be bisexual!”

“I’m not bisexual.  I’m straight!” he professed.

My daughter spoke up.  “If he says he’s straight, he’s probably straight.”

“Not if he doesn’t KNOW for sure.  He could be bi or trans or pan…the possibilities are literally endless.”

“I disagree,” my Tiplet sighed.  “I think scientifically you’re either male or female.  And then you’re either gay or straight.  I don’t buy into all of the bullshit labels.  Everything is WAY overcomplicated.  I don’t care what you are…if you want to call yourself a flower that’s cool.  I happen to like flowers.  Or a mermaid!  Those things don’t know WHAT they are, right?  Anyway, none of that matters.  Leave him alone.”

The other girl took MAJOR issue with her opinion.  Her response was quick and brutal.  “You are so fucking stupid.  You don’t know anything, you communist bitch!”

My LadyTip was taken aback and but did her best to weather the gut punch with a modicum of dignity.  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

She stated an opinion and her ‘friend’ who obviously disagreed, did not bother to respond with a courteous or thought-out rebuttal.  She went right for “you’re a fucking communist bitch”.

Not cool, Tippers.  Not cool at all.

She recanted the story to me later, with tears in her big, green eyes.  “Mom, I don’t even know WHY thinking there are men and women makes me a communist!”

“It totally doesn’t make you a communist.”

Then I shut the fuck up because I had absolutely nothing constructive or nice to say.

As far as I know, tensions are still high between the two, but I haven’t asked any follow up questions.  I probably don’t want to know.

What breaks my heart into pieces is that children, with no real understanding of these brand new terms that us old-folk still don’t quite grasp, cannot have a civilized exchange if one of their opinions differs from the other.  Instead there is anger and frustration and tension and possibly, a deeply damaged friendship.

While this seed of unrest was festering, I broached the topic with a close friend of mine.  “I just don’t understand this crazy-assed culture of needlessly labeling a person’s gender or sexuality before sexual maturity has been achieved.”

He looked at me and said “Look, I’m totally on your side.  But have you considered…”

And the care and precision with which he made his completely valid point broke my heart a little more.  He felt the need to preemptively disarm me so I MIGHT hear a slightly differing viewpoint.

WE ARE FUCKED UP.  And our kids are EVEN MORE FUCKED UP.

We’ve ushered in a whole new terrifying era where every topic is packed with landmines and labels and hatred and rage.  Don’t see things my way?  Fuck you.   You aren’t worth the energy it would take to explain why you’re so ignorant and misguided.  Do you have a question about body parts and hormone levels and all this new data that basically panders to a human’s newfound right to do whatever feels good without any social repercussions?  You’re a goddamned communist whore.

I am female.  I am heterosexual.  (Those college experiments really don’t count, right?)  I am white.  I am middle class.

So I don’t get to have a fucking opinion.  About ANYTHING.  I’m just a dumb commie bitch with my white privilege and fairly regular dick servicing.  What do I know?

I know that I’m grieving for the loss of innocence and youth.  I know that I can’t protect my children from rhetoric and hatred.  And I know that humanity is slowly slipping away.

There have been four mass casualty attacks in the last six weeks. Two church shootings since September. The deadliest mass shooting in modern U.S. history was in October. The second deadliest was at a night club last year. The fifth deadliest was a week ago Sunday.  And today? A gunman opened fire at an elementary school.  Five people (at least) are dead.

People are crying out for gun control and mental health screenings and searching for reason and order where there is only evil.  America is not having a gun crisis.  The media would have us believe we are under attack from some mutated mental illness that is spreading like the clap but America is not victim to a mental health crisis, either.  We have lost our humanity.  These gunmen are not blazing into masses of innocents screaming their agendas.  They are emptying their clips into guiltless humans, devoid of emotion, lacking a true motivation, simply embracing the blank malevolence that is coiled inside each of us.

Once upon a time we could rest knowing our homes were sanctuaries, our churches, safe havens and our schools, a place where our children were protected.  Those days are gone.  Now we sit close to fire exits, pre-plan our escapes and discuss survival strategies should an unholy demon show up to play.

I simply can’t…imagine and, like many of you, I live in fear every day.

And I don’t have answers.  So I’m going to shakily shut my computer, join my family in the living room, and pray this disjointed missive appeases my muse and I can sleep tonight.

Peace and love.  We need it more than ever.

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2 Comments

  1. Woman. You are so On. Point. My heart HURTS for this generation of children. I pray for yours, I pray for mine. I pray your mind finds peace and you find rest. Go in peace, you beautiful woman, you.

  2. I can’t even imagine being a teenager in today’s world, it is hard enough as an adult and as fast as things are changing I feel totally out of it. These are scary times and you are doing a good job helping to raise decent humans.

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